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my life is a ball of yarn

it's all a tangled mess

8/26/13 11:48 am - Struggling.

I like staying home with my kids. But I hate staying home all day. I like seeing my husband when we work together. But I hate working with him.

I'm looking for another job (not extensively), but I feel guilty about it, because of wanting to stay home. I don't want a full time job, but there are no part time jobs.

I hate this. I also want to get our own house, but we can't afford it. I want a job. I need a job. Or Will needs a better job. Or something. I just hate where things are right now. And I don't feel as if I can change it.

7/26/13 01:08 pm - 11w6d Pregnant

Ultrasound pictures are up on Facebook. Will's mom had the bad reaction we feared. She saw the ultrasound picture, looked at us and said "Oh, no." Oh gee, thanks. I went off at her a little bit. "We don't need a negative reaction - we have enough stress about it." Then she saw her husband/Will's father coming "Oh, I can't tell Pop! It isn't a negative reaction, I am happy! I just can't tell him!"

What the effing hell is wrong with telling him when it's OUR problem to bear?

Not that the baby is a problem... just very unexpected, and born into the same situation with tighter quarters than when Ali was a surprise.

SO.... having a hard time doing anything. Mostly just staring. I'm having a hard time coping with her reaction. This was what I was dreading. :(

3/26/13 03:13 pm - Weaning update

Down to 25mg! :D

I tried to post this last night, but the internet did not cooperate:

I need to figure out a way to get myself to wake up earlier in the mornings. When I have time to myself late at night, I feel much better and ready to tackle on the house. I don't know why I can't deal with on the floor on the same level as the kids as well as I feel I ought. Maybe it's the time-to-myself thing. I need to try extra hard to get up, but I tried last week without any success. I think I might have to move the alarm clock down from the top of the shelves (it's just a plain ole clock up there) but then the kids'll be at it. Might be worth it. And I might be able to get them to wake up earlier, and therefore go to bed earlier. Who knows. We'll see. I'll attempt moving the alarm clock tonight and setting it for the morning. I'll probably still need a nap, but what a surprise -- I've needed naps pretty much since Zay was born. Before, actually. I love my sleep but I love staying up at night.

Go figure, it's 2:45am right now. Even though the internet won't load. So I'm typing this up in Notepad to be entered into LJ's system tomorrow. So. yeah. Goodnight. Good morning? Whatever. lol

3/22/13 01:43 am - Blessings.

I've been feeling really good lately. I feel like "me" more than I have in years. I still get fuzzy headed, but I'm still closer to who I was before. Just took my next dose drop starting today... so I'm going to have a rough few days now. Woo. Oh well. (I'm tired, can you tell?)

Also, I finally found out the story for one of my babywearing "friends" -- her son died this past December. He and his twin were born 3 months early. The twin did fine, Micah did not. He struggled and had many health problems.

So... thank you, God, that both of my children are healthy. Thank you that I haven't lost a baby. You know I can't handle that. Even if Zay has a mild form of ASD, or Ali has something more "serious" triggering her breath holding spells aside from anemia, thank you that they're smart, strong, and developing right on track (no matter what the eff the pediatrician says about Ali being small or me not vaccinating). Ah, shoot, forgot Zay STILL hasn't had his 3 year check up. He's only 3 years and 3 months old. Whoops.

3/2/13 12:46 pm - Oh ovulation.

I'm ovulating. I can tell because 1-I'm coming up with the sex innuendos that Will usually does. I'm having crazy dreams again. My nipples hurt like crazy (does Ali HAVE to bite right now???) and I'm kind of crampy. And super emotional. I listen to the music of Riverdance and want to start bawling because I want to go "home" even though I've never been there. Oh, and I feel the crazy impulse to buy a plane ticket and go there. One good thing about not having a passport.

1/13/13 02:01 pm - Making an attempt...

I'm trying to wean. I'm so super tired, and the withdrawals are getting worse. I'm emotionally exhausted today after yesterday -- I was so moody and antsy and agitated that it wore Will out, too. And I was sore from being so tense. This afternoon will probably be another withdrawal thing, and Dad can only really recommend Benadryl. I need to remind Will too look up that information he heard about on Coast to Coast.

1/4/13 12:44 pm - Today.

Today I intend.

I intend to do more laundry, and fold what's already been washed. Today, I intend to wash all the dishes, and put them all away. Today, I intend to try to get this place livable again, by my standards if not Will's. Still having the Christmas tree up is a complication, but I can't (won't?) take it down myself, and I really need a nap today to try to kick this nasty headache I have.

So yeah. Today, I intend. I intend to do better around the house, with my kids, with my husband, with myself. I'm not improving really fast, but slow and steady wins the race, they say.


12/25/12 01:10 am - Rude awakening.

Perusing Facebook, I came across a picture of a friend's Christmas tree setup. And felt guilty. They have no tree, but one of their children drew a picture of a tree. They have three (maybe four? Either way, very few.) presents under their "tree."

And we have so many toys that the kids are overwhelmed by them and hardly play with any of them. We have Stinky, Rocky, and Smokey. We have over 200 Hotwheels/similar diecast cars. We have half a dozen bigger trucks. They have the Cozy Coupe, a Step2 motorcycle, at least 4 rocking horses at the different houses, two tricycles, two wagons, countless books and plushes, blocks, balls, a big tote full of Thomas the Train (and off-brands) tracks, trains, etc, Buzz Lightyear stuff out the wazoo, flags, sticks, guns cut out from a plank of wood....... on and on and on. You get the idea. Oh, two chalkboards, two magna-doodles, sandbox, more more more. TOO. MUCH. STUFF. No wonder I can't keep the place clean. Now I don't know if I attempt to sell some of the stuff, donate to my friend's kids, to Goodwill, or what. I have one box already set aside that Zay keeps raiding.

We have a huge Thomas the Train pop-up tent. A Buzz Lightyear rocket tents. An inflatable bus ball pit and 200+ balls. Two cardboard box "houses". Hats. Crayons. Papers. Books. Random household objects I haven't thrown out yet because the kids had so much fun playing with them (spacers from a sorting book, {toilet [paper} towel] tubes, boxes, boxes, boxes, more boxes....).

We are so, so, so blessed. And here I am mentally griping about how my vacuum cleaner's stand-lock switch or whatever it is randomly letting the vacuum fall back, or how it doesn't fit any after market attachments sold by anybody... how my washer occasionally drips after finishing a cycle, how my dryer only has two heat settings and something melted onto the heat vent from the previous owner, a food processor I would hardly use as I hardly use my KitchenAid stand mixer.

I got an eMachines Netbook for my birthday from my nephew, because I wanted something I could lug around in the diaper bag and have that was smaller than the laptop-which-is-actually-Will's. We have a flat screen TV. A DVD/VCR. A Wii. An Xbox. A SNES. An NES. A Genesis. A dozen or more other vintage game systems we need to test in order to sell.

Ugh, all this materialism. I think I'm going to tell Will to bring home some crappy boxes and we'll sort through our piles of STUFF.

The playpen is currently in the kids' room behind the bar blocking off most access to the changing table (upon which I don't change Aliyah anymore, and there's more STUFF sitting on it) full of toys from when Will set up the Christmas tree. STUFF. STUFF. MORE STUFF. My goal: Pare the toys down to a few totes and the shelves in the kids' rooms. Get rid of the rest of it. Put all but one tote (and a few smaller totes with the blocks, etc?) in the big toy chest that Pop made. Rotate it out.


10/11/12 12:36 am - Meh.

Had a rough day.

Took Zay to the doctor yesterday to find out he has canker sores... and the doctor gave us a little "recipe" of children's benadryl and maalox for him to at least swish to help his mouth sores. On the way home, I found out Corinna's youngest has hand foot and mouth disease. Yay.... So. yeah.

He's feeling better (can actually eat, though he's not used to eating, now), but he's still really bratty. Really really bratty. And he threw several tantrums, the most notable being the one where he took a handful of magnets and threw them against the wall in his room, then threw a bucket of toys against the closed door. Oy. Hoping tomorrow is better.

10/6/12 11:55 am - Been feeling pretty good lately

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Had a horrible trip to VA Beach (though it was nice to see Dad and Brenda even if we left on sore terms due to my toddler), and a horrible few days after that with Isaiah (they aren't kidding when they say the twos are very similar to teenage years), but I've been feeling good lately. Granted, I finally started taking the full dose of Zoloft again (meh), along with the prenatals and stress supplements recommended by Lina Naturopathic Doctor next door.

I'll be good taking my Zoloft for a few weeks, then start hating it and try to stop taking it, to utter failure. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it.

Also, we have miracle milk here at the shop. Skim milk with a sell by date of Sept 17. Still good. Nearly a month later. Been open for nearly a month. I've had it for a month. Wow.
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